Sometimes when you achieve what you thought was success, you realize that your definition of success was wrong. Here’s a bit of career coaching on why it is so hard to let go of conventional views of success.
When I was a kid we used to drive from the relatively small town of Bangor, Maine to the big city of Boston periodically to visit my aunt and uncle.
I remember looking out the windows of our car at the huge skyscrapers and thinking to myself how cool it would be to own one.
It was the late 80s, real estate was hot and Donald Trump was an entrepreneurial icon instead of the scary thing he has become today.
“Material Girl” by Madonna was a big song.
All of which is to say that like many growing up in this time period, I tended to measure success by financial means.
In my town we all went to one public high school, which meant that there was social stratification evident in the student parking lot. (Though notably, Steven King’s son did not drive a fancy car, and for that I give the King family tons of credit.)
I don’t remember when exactly, but somewhere in my formative years I decided I wanted to make a lot of money.
REDEFINING SUCCESS
Fast forward many years and I’m a student at Harvard Business School. There are people who have made fortunes all around: classmates, alumni, professors.
Some of them make in a week what I used to make in a year. Some make much more.
Then I met the founder of a company who had made a $500M+ personal fortune. He was young, had a jet, a Ferrari, a beautiful yacht and an amazing girlfriend…. And he was unhappy. (See my article How to be happier than a billionaire).
My meeting with him caused me to redefine success for myself. It shifted from status and wealth to happiness. (Of course, like everyone else who plays Powerball, I had the belief that status and wealth would bring happiness.)
Suddenly, I was ready to question everything. I did my homework, I dug deep into the research, I studied what makes people happy.
I can tell you that wealth doesn’t predict happiness well once you have the necessities taken care of. A fact verified by my 101 year old grandmother (See Career coaching: 101 Years of perspective).
YOUR BRAIN IS WIRED FOR A TIME LONG AGO
I can also tell you that it is no easy feat to simply walk away from wealth as a measuring stick.
Somewhere in our evolution as a species is a hardwired survival related concept that says that
wealth = power/influence = survival.
In fact, research shows that we are happier when we compare positively to a reference group. What do I mean by that?
Shockingly Olympic bronze medalists tend to be happier than silver medalists. Why? Because bronze medalists compare themselves to those with no medal while silver medalists compare themselves to those who won gold.
It’s sort of messed up.
And it also happens when you see the nicer car in the mall parking lot and feel bad about yourself (or see a crappier car and feel good).
The problem is that your reference group tends to change over time. As a kid in Bangor, Maine there were very few Mercedes around and it was pretty much the nicest car I knew about.
(I had a Lamborghini poster on my wall, but I had never actually seen one.)
Now, as an adult in San Diego I see Bentleys, Lamborghinis, Ferraris, etc from time to time. If I spend 5 minutes on the highway I see a dozen Mercedes.
In other words, working to get that Mercedes is pretty futile because as soon as you do you will start comparing yourself to the Bentley crowd.
REWIRING YOUR BRAIN
So how do you stop comparing to others and become more comfortable where you are?
You do three things:
- Focus on the present
- Practice gratitude
- Focus on what really matters
Now each of these is the topic of at least one book, so let me provide a couple sentences on each:
Focus on the present – When you compare yourself to others the issue is always about how you feel about yourself rather than how you feel about another person. The hang up tends to be on decisions you made in your past or opportunities you believe exist in the future for you (relative to another individual). In the present moment, none of this matters. (See Full Catastrophe Living and The Power of Now)
Practice Gratitude – There is a host of research proving the power of focusing on the things you are grateful for each day. When you do this as part of a daily routine you get amazing results. After all, we have a lot to be grateful for. (See Authentic Happiness)
Focus on what really matters – When I ask people about the things that are most important to them, I often hear: providing for their family, time with their family, and professional autonomy. Despite this, many focus on the being providers first and foremost (often out of necessity). The opportunity is to focus time and effort on the other things that matter. (See Happier)
Creating meaningful change in these areas is all about changing your habits and setting new, higher standards. It is not a onetime change, but rather an enduring effort.
Personally, I find that redefining success for myself and rewiring my brain is an ongoing struggle. Yet it is the struggle we must undertake to grow as individuals.